First Indications Missed

Our first indications that something was wrong we missed completely. Looking back Mom seemed to lose her 'filter' with Dad. He would begin telling us something that he had done since we last saw them and Mom, right out loud and in front of him, would say, " Oh Dad, they don't want to hear that."

One time in particular she just yelled, "Shut up."

When she realized what she had done, she made the excuse, "I want to hear the baby talk." (My two year old grandson was there, but not talking at the moment.)

When they were in their 70's, Dad began accusing Mom of having multiple affairs.  He would tell us about these alleged affairs and show us what he considered to be concrete proof. An example of his "proof," would be a dirty place on one of the car windows. There was no reasoning with him. He couldn't understand why we didn't see this as proof.

He began following her when she went shopping and eventually insisted on driving her anytime she went somewhere. During this time, her wallet disappeared with her driver's license in it. We now believe he hid it, and to this day it has never turned up. The fact that she didn't consider getting a new one was also a clue we missed.

Thanksgiving has always been a special holiday for our family. I always looked forward to having all of the family at our house and it was pretty much the only time that Mom and Dad would make the long trip from Delaware to North Carolina. Mom was always gracious, kind and helpful to me. During Thanksgiving I always enjoyed the time we spent in the kitchen together.

This particular Thanksgiving, Mom was relentless. She complained about our dogs (which had been with us for 10+ years). She didn't like where I chose to sit for dinner (the seat I had sat in ever since my husband and I had been together). She picked up the gravy boat at the beginning of dinner and insisted that the gravy was cold (I had just taken it off of the stove). She sighed heavily all through dinner as she complained about anything and everything.

My brother-in-law eventually followed her into the kitchen one of the times that she went in there to remedy some perceived wrong that I had done to our dinner and talked with her about her behavior. When he told me about the conversation later, he was perplexed that she didn't believe she had done anything wrong.

My husband's family's tradition is that the day after Thanksgiving, everyone goes out to eat. Since my husband and I have been married, Mom and Dad have almost always come to our home for Thanksgiving, so this has been our tradition for many years. This particular year, when Dad suggested that we all go out to eat, everyone bailed on us.

Not wanting to hurt Dad's feeling, my husband and I followed the tradition and joined them out for dinner. It was equally as painful as the experience Thanksgiving day. Criticism, criticism, criticism.

My point is, if your loved one had a drastic personality change, investigate. Instead of realizing something was wrong with Mom, I focused on Mom's behavior toward me. I thought something was wrong with our relationship, instead of realizing that something was wrong with Mom.

That was the last Thanksgiving that Mom and Dad spent at our home. Yes, we invited them back, but they decided that it was too long of a trip for someone their age. I believe that while Dad had no idea that something was wrong with his mind, he realized that something was wrong with Mom's and he decided to try to protect our image of her.

The other thing that changed was their attitude toward family visiting them in Delaware. In the past, phone calls had always included invitations to visit. Now, the phone calls came less frequently and were shorter in duration. And they never included an invitation for us to visit.

We did visit though. Anytime that we had to travel to Delaware or north of Delaware, we would call and let them know that we wanted to extend our trip and spend a few days with them. Though we were never turned down, while we were there we were encouraged to get out and shop on our own or go to the beach on our own.

In the past, Mom, in particular, wanted to accompany us on any shopping trip and usually planned at least one lunch or dinner out while we were there. Looking back, even when we did visit, we saw very little of them. I feel certain that if any of us had lived close by we would have picked up on more signs and realized sooner that something was amiss.

The First Advice

The first advice I have to offer, is to talk with your elderly loved ones about their wishes long before they need care. Plant the seeds. I believe that your loved one will be less resistant to your help, when the time comes, if the dialog is not a new one.

 Let them know that over half of all people over the age of 80 have some sort of dementia. It is an equal opportunity thief of memories. It attacks all economic levels, religions, races and sexes. Make sure your loved one knows that your decision to make any interventions will be based on their safety and your love for them.

Once the dialog has been opened keep it open. Give your loved on a chance to express feelings about this, whether negative or positive. One positive thing that could come from this is your loved one may come up with a plan on their own. If so, encourage him or her to put it in writing and date and sign it. It may be a great persuader in the future.

I want to go back and go through all of the steps we went through in trying to care for Mom and Dad, where they were. They didn't work for us, but I believe that we started the process too late. And even though these intervention did not work for our family, I believe that these are still valid interventions that every family should consider. Once you have considered them, only you can decide if they are worth trying for your family member(s).

Please don't be confused by me referring to my mother- and father-in-law as Mom and Dad. This is what I call them, and it conveniently protects their privacy. Dad is actually in the hospital right now with Pneumonia, and my husband and I need to take Mom to the hospital to visit him. But I have a lot more to say about Alzheimer's Disease and arranging care for its victims. So that's all for now, but more to follow!

And So, They Are Here

My mother- and father-in-law were both diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease eleven months ago. The truth is, they actually had it for longer and we just did not recognize the early symptoms. So, without their blessings, we moved them both from Delaware to NC so that we could monitor their care and hopefully give them a more enriched life for their remaining years. It has been a difficult process in some ways and a very smooth and easy process in others. It occurred to me that by writing this blog I could keep the family up to date on their care, and maybe help others who find themselves in the position that my husband, brother-in-laws and I are in. Alzheimer's Disease, not for the faint at heart.